There’s nothing simple about an addict staying clean and sober. As usual, I’m finding myself hitting the wall here at the 3-4 month mark. I haven’t had a drink or used any drugs, except my nicotine and caffeine, but I certainly understand why I have so many times in the past.
I can get sober all day long. Done it a thousand times. It’s the staying sober that has me stumped and it’s the staying sober that I’m determined to finally get right.
I have co-occuring disorders: anxiety and depression. I’ve had clinical depression for most of my life and I’ve come to accept that I’m one of those people who will have to be on medication for it for the rest of my life. It seems to be about this time in sobriety when these issues begin to raise their ugly heads again and I find myself beginning to fold in on myself. I reach a place where I don’t feel connected to anything; it feels like nothing is working in my mind and body; I withdraw, and usually drink. Usually also around this time something physical pops up. This time it’s bursitis in my hips. Hurts like hell, especially when on my feet solid for 8 hours at a stretch.
I’m working very hard to stay connected to all my supports. Self-care seems to be the most difficult thing to keep in place when I’m in a bad mental state. I drink too much coffee, smoke too many cigarettes, don’t want to prepare healthy meals, don’t want to exercise, and don’t want to socialize. A medication adjustment seems to be helping now. But somehow I managed to continue to attend meetings, participate on my on-line lists, do my weekly recovery inventory, eat as healthily as I could, and even exercise through the physical and mental pain. Coming out the other side sober feels like a gift more than something I worked very hard for.
I hope to be writing here more as things continue to improve, which I’m very hopeful they will.
Thank you for visiting Eclectic Recovery.